From dawn to dusk, in the tickling of the clock, in the beating of the heartbeats, what she wants is the love, care, compassion, gentleness, and true companionship of her spouse.
And if, even after showering, the love fall with every inhale and exhale, what she receives is dryness in tone and anger in behavior, it is unfair. It’s unfair in all the senses of the world.
Love for love is a natural practice, but in return, for compassion to face anger is not an easy job to do.
If you are going through such a bumpy ride during the course of life, all our sympathies and empathies are with you.
During his ins and outs, he stays stuffed with anger; in the kitchen, he has issues; he is always dissatisfied with household affairs, and during his walk and talk, he can’t keep his head cool.
Within no time, in a fit of fury, he bursts out. In short, in all his actions, his anger is the dominant aspect to be noticed. Even if you don’t want to notice, it is noticed spontaneously.
It is obviously a vulnerable situation. One can’t live with such stuff. If it is sickness, it needs to be cured. If it is a psychological issue, it needs to be consoled.
It is a psychological issue. And we assure you that we are going to cover your issue from all angles to propose you the best solution.
First, it would be appropriate to define anger so that we may better understand the core of the issue.
What is anger?
An Operational Description.
In the most common understanding, anger is actually a feeling or even an emotion that starts from gentle irritation and then leads to the utmost fury.
Even it becomes a fit of fury that paralyzes the capability of thinking. Anger is a voluntary reaction to those circumstances where we feel that we are unsecured.
We speculate that something wrong has been happening or is just going to happen to us. Even it is stuck in our minds that someone has unnecessarily treated us wrong.
We may also become angry when we don’t have the things in that particular order in which we desire them.
Besides it, anger can be the result of that frustration that we face when our needs, demands, intentions, and goals, and particularly our expectations, are not being met.
According to psychology, it is natural to become angry when our expectations stay fruitless. On such occasions, we lose the companionship of patience and behave impulsively, aggressively, or even violently.
Here is a notable feature to consider most of us are usually disturbed by anger and aggression. But there is a hell of a difference between aggression and anger.
Conflict between aggression and anger.
Aggression is that behavior in which we intend to harm another or devastate their property and belongings. This attitude comprises oral insults, threats, and warnings of brutal activities.
So certainly, it does not pave the way to aggression.
Therefore, we can safely assert that one can be angry without being aggressive.
Anger, a two-sided sword.
Anger is not the problem, only for the sufferer. The people who deal with angry man suffer more than that angry man. Both sides feel and face it equally.
Often we feel sorry for ourselves for dealing with an angry man. We forget the stream of pain that flows inside the angry man and devastates him mentally and physically.
Anger serves as a problem when we feel it too intensely and repeatedly. The incorrect expression of anger is an addition to its severity.
Feeling and facing anger too intensely produces the utmost physical distress on both the body and mind. Continued and regular outbreaks of anger activate the distinct regions of the nervous system on a large scale.
Hence, the heart rate of the sufferer increase and stay heightened for a long time. Furthermore, this stress may produce various health issues.
Some of them are hypertension, heart disorder, and affected the immune system. So, from the physical and mental health perspective, eradicating anger is an inspiration.
Affects on mind and body.
Usually, the feelings of anger can vary from individual to individual. Both of you might undergo some of the things summarized below, and there is a possibility that your experiences might be different. 2
You, who are facing the angry man, might have fewer effects, but you can’t negate that you are indifferent to these.
Effects on the body:
- The swirling feeling in your stomach after the assault of anger.
- Tightness and heaviness on your chest.
- A boosted and rapid heartbeat.
- Legs become unstable, and you feel exhausted.
- Restlessness in muscles.
- You feel hot even if it is winter.
- The thumping head.
- Little jerks inside your body while he trembles.
- Dizziness after handling the situation.
Domestic Help. ⚠️
If the relationship has become vulnerable and you are facing incessant verbal and physical abuse, it will be appropriate to seek domestic violence support. Visit this page for the national domestic violence hotline to tackle abusive behavior.
How to deal with an angry husband?
We conducted research on the issue of anger and came out with the following outcomes. 3
The following steps would enable you to handle the angry partner in more effectively.
Regardless of who or what affects them, these points are going to assist you on a large scale. This procedure is based on comprehending the basic instinct of anger. Furthermore, it is helpful in the nature of physiology and psychology.
Here, the main objective is to defend yourself along with your spouse by giving him a helping hand by deflecting forced incitement.
It is neither about winning arguments nor whipping your opposition and imposing insult on them. But the real victory would be to relieve that painful situation created by anger off and on.
1) Take and give time.
It’s a natural phenomenon that instincts are sharp and dirty. All you can do to disrupt them is to be slow down. If he assaults you with words and an aggressive tone, say: “Please hold on and give me a minute to think about this in a better way.” 4
Be sure he would not get angrier at you for taking him and his argument seriously.
A little bit of delay may also subtly stimulate him to have a little reflection of his own, which is not hurtful.
The most valuable point regarding it is that asking for time will prevent you from bursting out with the first thing that jumps into your mind, which would likely be a voluntary reaction.
Here, chances are enhanced by this little break that some aspect of fighting back or running away, which can make the problem worse, reluctantly gets aside.
Our basic instincts pursue well-worn ways in the brain. Every point directs spontaneously and mindlessly to the next point. Either you choose to fight back with him or leave the scene by running away, no matter how well you manage the situation, at this point, it will fortify the pattern, and the anger will be increased.
By adopting the unusual way of taking time, you break the former rhythm of his anger. It would be helpful in compelling both of you to utilize different brain systems to comprehend what’s happening and how to tackle the issue.
Anger can be less harmful when people start thinking rather than reacting abruptly.
2) Listen to Your Heart.
While you’re putting up with those vital few seconds to think and ponder over the situation, check yourself out for the indications of physical arousal. If you’re stimulated up, ask for a little more time to calm down both of you.
Take two or three deep breaths.
Go through the main comforting line with yourself. The more excited you are, the fewer are chances that you would say or do anything constructive. However, by staying calm and pondering over the situation, you would do just fine and constructively.
3) Know and focus on Your Goal.
The most important use of taking those few seconds for yourself is to figure out what you want to happen. What are your priorities?
These are simple. You prefer to make him and yourself calm down.
As it is a significant question, not a straight line. More likely, we can say that each of the three portions of your brain is supporting for a varied objective.
Here, you must sort them out and choose the one that creates most of the sense. It happens that sometimes you expect to resolve the problem, and sometimes you just desire to go away from everything.
It is necessary to remember that you can succeed only in one objective. It is hard to calm him down, get him back, and make him understand that the whole stuff is not really his drawback.
If, by your gesture, you convey mixed statements, it will not work. Doing so, only the most aggressive behavior will be registered. So here, your most essential goal should be to calm him down.
And it can’t be achieved without calming yourself down first. In your case, the goal you need to accomplish is to calm him down. It would be enough to stay away from aggressive dialogues.
4) Speak Softly And use a polite tone.
A soft answer with a polite tone can turn away the wrath. It is a great way to handle your partner’s anger. As in anger, he intends to be loud, so your polite tone and speaking quietly would make him less frightening.
A soft dialogue will also assist you in feeling calmer and contended because, as we have witnessed multiple times, the inner state is usually impacted by outer behavior.
So staying yourself calm and cool would make the job easy in bringing your partner toward normal behavior. In addition, in defusing anger, your purpose is to break the momentum, not to help in carrying on.
Here you have to be tolerant. Sometimes soft tones work least or even don’t work.
But being persistent in your politeness and courtesy would definitely bring you fruit.
Angry people tend to ignore polite behavior and soft words and give desiccation to the hard and stick words.
Related: How a Wife Should Treat Her Husband
5) Put up with Some Distance.
Frequently, it is noted that angry people walk into your private bubble that is actually your own room of liberty and comfort. They tend to stand very close or strive to cling to you. Even in their inner self, they can’t help living without pouncing over you.
As you are also dealing with the anger of your partner so such aggressive movements or intentions will automatically boost up both his and your arousal.
Coming forward, backing up and cowering, all these things if you do by using your eyes and by closing the contact or looking down, indicate either quarreling back or driving away. Such anticipated indications will show up the warmth, even if you prefer to cool down the things in favor of both of you.
To stay calm and cool, you should do something unusual. You can come up with different possibilities.
Offer him coffee, request him to sit down, or walk away to get something related. Your priority should be to get a reason for walking away. The more you come close, the more he would get furious.
So, in such a situation, moving away for some time would be a good idea.
6) Never Reason with him when he is Yelling.
It is certified that yelling and thinking cannot happen simultaneously. In case your partner is yelling, you should utilize the best tools to get him stopped before you move further to handle the situation.
If you would ask him to stop yelling, he may yell back, assuring you more strictly that he is not yelling but negotiating in a bit loud voice. Here you need to keep your head cool.
Getting him to stop yelling is surely simpler than you think.
Here again, courtesy matters. Keeping your own voice soft with a polite tone can do the trick for you.
Another way can be derived by saying, “Please speak slowly. I would want to understand you.” Usually, angry people acknowledge without thinking.
So by decreasing speed, volume can also be decreased. It is impossible to tell slowly. Have you ever tried it?
If not, then try. Certainly, you would fail.
7) Anger While On Phone.
The above-mentioned technique would help, especially while he is on the phone.
When both of you are on the phone, also keep in view the rule of “Uh-huh” We respond with “Uh-huh” to assure the second person that we are all ears to him when he breathes.
Usually, it is noted that if you move on three breaths without “Uh-huh,” probably the person on the other side would stop and inquire, “Are you there?”
This scheme will empower you to save yourself from tirades even without using a word.
Related: Why Does My Husband Hate Me
8) Assess the issue or Emotional State.
Repetition, whether it is internal or external, is the soul of anger. By stopping him from repetition, you would actually save his thumping heart. By this, he would be slow, or even stop.
It is perhaps the limbic structure from where the repetition comes from. The limbic structure is associated with the early mammalian part of the brain.
As we all know that mammals are social living beings, and they intend to fit their behaviors with the rest of their sort. It is done by us unconsciously. It also helps in holding us wise.
When we realize that something can make us varied from the others who are around us, as a sharp explosion of emotions, we perceive a keen desire to check it out immediately.
Angry people always do so by asking if they’re justified in having anger, and mostly come up with the wrong answer. While having anger, they ask themselves inside their own skulls. It is all about rumination and reflecting.
It is also called mental finger-ticking. The fundamental purpose of asking themselves is that they believe that the rest of the people are either hostile to them or, they simply are not all ears to them.
So in your case, your partner would state his points and would expect that you do not understand his implicit remarks, so there are chances that he would repeat himself more loudly each and every time.
Of course, it would make you less likely to answer those implicated questions in any valuable means.
Here, it is advised to you to stop this process. Give him attention, listen to him carefully and try to understand the question that can be answered as in a way, “Yes, you possess a right to think the way you do. You are justified in your feelings.”
This technique is called validation.
It is certainly not a similar thing as telling that angry people are right in their doings and sentiments, only because they possess a right to assume what they feel.
Usually, it is considered that validation is not easy. No, it’s not. It is easy even in a comic sense and it also makes a huge difference.
It can be done in two ways. You can validate the issue by repeating it and saying, “Yes, it is an issue.” You can also validate his emotional condition by saying, “It can be seen that how you’d be depressed about that.”
Here, remember that your best tussle in this regard should not be to use the word angry. It would double the chaos and the situation would become vulnerable for both of you.
It is natural that everybody admits to being depressed or worried, but nobody stays willing to acknowledge that he is angry.
Validation is practically magical in its effects, but as your partner is confronted by anger in a routine so there are chances to overlook to do it.
Validation in itself is a great thing. You know its validity; let us state assert that you can easily be worth its weight in gold. It is validation for which one gets ready to spend big bucks for psychotherapy.
9) Never try to explain, even detain explanation.
An explanation is the means by which the basic responses clamber down from the reptile brain and then come out from the mouth. Actually, by explaining, we try to justify our stance before the angry person, but it tricks against our intentions.
Usually, our intention of explanation is the disguised shape of fighting back or riding away. The common explanations are usually as below:
The game of superiority: In which we address in way, “Consider the facts when you will be realized you would come to know that it’s you who is wrong, not me.”
We never recommend you follow it as it will add fuel to the fire. It just conveys the message that you are right while he is wrong.
We just can’t call him wrong when he is already out of his senses.
An apparent attempt to drive away: Here, it starts in the assertive tone, “It’s not my fault. You had a mess with someone else and now you are yelling at me.
The worst one. Invalidation: “I am not neither your maid nor subordinate. All in all, you possess no right to be angry at me.
It is not the answer to the issue; rather, it would raise the temperature, and the relationship would become colder. Here sensibility demands while he is in anger, don’t even try a least to realize him that he is wrong.
Angry guys never admit that they are wrong.
10) Frank Acknowledgment.
Frankly, it becomes very difficult to deal with the problems of anger. And if the victim is one’s own partner, sorrows are doubled. But above all, life is for one time it can’t be exposed before cruel circumstances.
To have a jubilant life, we have to pass the jam. Even we ourselves have to make the course of life smooth so that we get smooth traffic of happiness. So be confident and consider the suggestions to get over the issue of your husband’s anger.
It is just a timely mental disorder and can be remedied with certain wise steps.
We all the people are accountable for our own doings, but to manage the other person’s affairs who are our near and dear ones also come to our share. Being a partner, it becomes necessary to learn how to survive his anger properly.
11) Be cool and stay calm.
Although you possess many hard feelings regarding your own self but still, staying calm and cool can assist to stop his anger from escalating.
Considering your hard times, we, relationcounseling.org, came here with our experts to lessen your pain and pathos so that you may tackle the issue of your husband’s anger and have a smooth ride of life.
We have staunch hope that after considering these suggestions, you would be in a better position to understand your spouse’s condition, and after utilizing these suggestions will definitely feel a pleasant change.
What if nothing works?
You might be thinking if nothing works, then how can I help my husband with anger issues!?
Well, the key is to be supportive. You hate your husband’s anger, not your husband! Take these steps if your husband is still behaving angrily.
- Ask for support from friends or family: if he is ready to overcome his anger, seek support from the one you trust. Ask him to talk to your husband.
- Make him comfortable and surprise him: When you make him comfortable and make him talk to you, he will openly discuss his issues or concerns with you. You can also give him a surprise to make him polite to you.
- Take some patience: he might be struggling with his inner thoughts. Give him some time.
- Give him space: sometimes, space refreshes the relationship.
If still, nothing is working for you, seek professional help. I recommend visiting a therapist. If he refuses to go to the therapist, follow the guide.
Calm down and take care of yourself. It is important.
Yes, living with an angry partner is not easy but, we need to work on him so that he can recover from anger problems. Surely, it will take time.
I suggest that you work on the above steps, spend more time with him, try to win his confidence, and let him know that you care about him and your relationship.
Soon, he will start improving himself.
So, now, you know how to deal with an angry husband and how to make him overcome his anger issues. I wish you all the best.
Your opinion is our union! 💕